I don't think anyone decides before their child is born that they will be the soft parent, at least I didn't. I realized I was the softy though when my entire family told me I was. When Naiya was 2 they started calling me a push-over. At first I argued, I still gave her a good share of timeouts when it was called for, but who was I kidding? No one but me evidently. I let her get away with a lot.
As we moved into a new house and gave Naiya a baby sister all in one month and then I returned to work full-time, my softness skyrocketed. I felt guilty for all the transition and for being away so much. So, if Naiya wanted a second dessert and to stay up late and watch cartoons - Sure!!As a family we underwent a lot of transition last summer. So, when we decided it was best for me to cut back my hours to 15/week and work mostly from home, I knew I also had to make a conscious effort and not allowing my 3-year-old to get away with so much.
I think I was successful. Being home more meant I didn't feel guilty and I could invest the time I felt I needed in cultivating a relationship where I could be a better authoritarian.
So, am I still a push-over? No! Am I still the soft parent? Yes!
Once upon a time, Ado and I did premarital counseling and talked about all sorts of things including how we would raise our future children, and we whole-heartily agreed... of course that was before we had any.
Do we disagree now? No, not on the main issues. It's the little things where we disagree. Does Naiya need to ask to be excused from the dinner table instead of just running around? Yes. We are trying to raise a little lady. But sometimes Adonai responds a little harsher than I would when she doesn't obey, or I respond a little softer than he would. We have different ways of handling the same situation. He says that's a timeout when I would have given a warning. He won't tolerate her sassing me, when I know she's just cranky because she needs a nap and so I let it slide. And so he and I bicker at one another on occasion, attempting to do so just when the little ones are out of the room. He wants me to not let her get away with so much, I want him to chill out a little. I verbally support his disciplinary decisions in front of the girls, but when he supports me I feel like he's undermining my authority by having to re-emphasize it. Why is it when we agree on principal do we approach discipline so differently?
I think Ado takes himself as a disciplinarian seriously - he knows it's his job to raise our girls as ladies and wants to see them grow up respectful and well-mannered. While I want those same things, I am also a Mama Bear - I want to protect my girls, even from what's best for them sometimes. And, I'm still learning to be firm without snapping or conversely being walked all over - so I'm more sensitive to anything construed to as criticism on my approach.
Oy! Parenting isn't so easy. But, it's our God given duty not to antagonize our children, but to also not spare the rod and spoil the child. Therefore, we take it day by day, talk about our issues with one another and other parents, and support each other. I'm thankful for a spouse who is invested in raising our little girls right.
And I suppose that even though daddy is the one who lets the girls each chocolate when I would have said no snacks, I'll always be considered the soft parent, because a) I started out that way, and b) let's just face it, the majority of the time comparatively I still am.
